DI Another Day
by Arwen Telyn
Summary: Tom Smith Disease struck in the form of Divine Irregularity. Join child of Faramir and Eowyn, Biff the drunken wizard and Varicose the vain as they fight a dragon. NEW CHAPTER 18 NOV
1. Drink and drink Merry ate all the food

Ok, listening to good old Filk Radio and one of my favorite artists came on: Tom Smith, singing his "Divine Irregularity" and in hopped a plot bunny, looking like Tom (that's a little scary in and itself). Anyway, the Smith-Bunny sat down at the bar (of course I have a bar in my head, doesn't everybody?) he ordered a drink, tuned his guitar and said "What are you going to do about it? Go on, hop to it." I had no choice. When a large, harrier-than-usual, drunk, guitar-toting rabbit tells you to do something in pun, you do it. So, what happens when a stupid fan-chick writes a fandom piece about a musical fandom piece and relates it to her own brand of fandom?

Mandatory thingy: I don't own the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars, they belong to anyone willing to pay them (note to those who Con, yes the name is like the often berated and always bereted people who do what they do, but here is what they wish to be).

            It was late night in a dusty pub, the sign outside read "Y Llychlyd Tafarn" but this is not the point of this story; it is merely set dressing. This tale, lads and lasses, starts when a large figure in a blue cloak sat down at the bar, twirled the stool around a few times and then signaled the bartender to throw over a tall one. Then two tall ones, before the moon had moved a fingernail's length the count was 16 tall ones, 27 short ones and 4 medium ones.

            _But who's counting?_ The figure thought to himself as he ordered a not-so-tall-but-slightly-larger-than-medium drink and downed it, but knew that too soon he'd be upping it. _Ah, but isn't that some sort of grand philosophy, about how life…a screw it, Bourbon and deep thinking don't mix._ The man in blue slinked to the floor, _Finally__, _he thought as he succumbed to black.

~@~

            He didn't know how much later it was when he awoke _I think I've awoken. If so, why is it still black?_ He reached his hand out to try and lever himself up, he encountered something too substantial to be air and too flimsy to be the bar or the floor. _Then logic would state that... I must still be drunk._ It finally registered that the black was cloth of some kind.

            "Are you the _Istar_?" a voice asked.

            "Huh-yeh-deba," he replied intelligently.

            "She asked if you were the _Istar_, drunken sot." A different voice joined the conversation.

            "And I said 'Huh-yeh-deba'," the blue man said, finally sitting against the bar.

            The new man snorted, "Come Delphine, dearest, this is a waste of time, we'd be better off trying to find  the White One."

            "I've told you, I'm NOT going back west" the maid in black unsheathed a wicked looking sword and raised it to the neck of a tall boy with white hair, "Now shut-up before I cut the tips off those ears of yours." She lowered the blade to the man in blue who seemed to be enjoying the whole thing. Or perhaps the contented smile had something to do with the half-full bottle he had just found. "I ask you once more, are you one of the _Istari_?"

            The man on the ground held up a hand, finished the bottle off, threw it to the side and tried to rise. He was pretty successful until he fell. Giving up he looked at the woman, "Yeah. I've been called better but.."

            "But not lately, it would seem" the elf smirked.

"Varicose, I swear on my father's horn, you will be silent. If I need to make it a permanent silence, so be it. Now, good sir _Istar_, may I speak with you?"

The _Istar got to his shaky legs, finally, and looked the girl over. He almost lost his footing again. She was beautiful, dressed all in black. With leather, lots of leather, the man in blue could feel other parts of him that he hadn't used in a long time start to grow, but he shut it off totally and immediately. _Well, maybe not totally, but this sounds like a job, a big one, and I don't need to, uh 'muck' around with a sword toting shield maiden and an annoying, and protective, elf._ He finally realized he was starring and started talking, "Well, if you'll pay the tab, my ear is yours." With that he left the bar, __Always let the customer come to you, it's rule one of wizardry. He paused at the door of the pub._ Huh, perhaps that's why we don't make any money.__

___________________

Diolch, da boch chi


	2. Trigun fewer than 2, but not as many as ...

Author's notes: This is fun! If it seems very anime-ish, Adult Swim is on (Trigun, yeah! But Lupin III? What IS that?). If the wizard is too Dresden, too bad. All puns are intentional.

Obligatory note: I don't own the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.

~@~

"Delphine, this can't be one of the _Blue Wizards_!"

"Why not, he is dressed in blue, he recognized the word '_Istar_' and he recognized us for what we are without running away screaming," Delphine the Black said as she paid the barkeep for the rather large bar bill.

"For what we are? Do you mean a cute couple?" Varicose asked, thinking himself suave. Thinking was never anything he did well, he remembered, as he found himself flung to the floor in an easy wrestling move.

"No, blonde, handsome and witless, as an elf and shield maiden, A MAIDEN, GOT IT?" Delphine screamed in his ear.

"Got it," he replied meekly, but with a grin. 

"What are you grinning at, cat?" she asked disdainfully as she made her way to the door.

"You said 'handsome'. Admit it Delphine, you like me."

"I said nothing more than the truth; your race was made to be immortal and impossibly lovely. Too bad you got a double dose of impossible and only half a dose of lovely. Now come on, we need that wizard."

Varicose followed the superb woman out the door and into the streets of the village. _Delphine, I will show you. Arwen and Aragorn are not the only ones who can find love. Varicose has found his as well, and you, dear lady, are it._

~@~

Delphine and Varicose went out into the street and saw the blue shrouded wizard waiting for them. "It's paid _Istar, now may I speak with you?"_

"Of course, I'm a man of my word, but please stop with the _Istar_ business. You already have my attention and there are too many reasons to stare at you, let's not give the natives more reasons to be nervy of me."

"Very well, wizard, by what may we call you?" the elf asked.

"I have many names, but there are those who call me Biff."

"Biff?" the elf asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Yes, Biff, and what shall I call you two."

"I am Delphine, the Black," the shield-maiden started.

"Lovely to meet you, lady of the West," Biff bowed, thinking it better not to kiss her hand. He was rather attached to most of his body.

"And I am Varicose, of the forests of the Lady Galadriel, grand-nephew of Elrond, child of _Ilúvatar_, called the Silver Beau, called Warrior of the Great Battle of Sauron and Sarumann, called the Golden Piercer, sworn guide and protector of the children of Faramir and Eowyn. " The elf said importantly. 

"Don't you need to take a breath or something, Varicose the Vain," Biff asked. Varicose became livid at the sound of his childhood nickname. He couldn't help it if he had always been the pretty one; it was his curse as well as his blessing.

"Well, Wizard **_Biff_, what wit? Why don't we test it against my axe?"**

"Ah, but then you'd get my blood all over your nice, clean clothes."

The elf smirked, "I am more than used to getting the blood of inferiors out of my tunics." There was a sound of metal scraping against metal. It seemed Delphine had had enough. She had drawn both her swords and one pointed at each of them.

"As shield-maiden of Rohan, daughter of Eowyn and Faramir I demand that you both shut up so we can get down to business." Varicose and Biff exchanged glances. "Well?"

"Lady, I will if he will," Biff said.

"Varicose?" the elf kept his eyes on Biff and nodded. "Good, now then wizard Biff.."

"Hold on, how do we know he's one of the _Ithryn Luin_ I mean, we need more proof than a scrap of blue cloth and a word. Come on, wizard, give us proof you are really one of the five."

"Would it help if I gave you my name as Maia, or would lesser sons of the Valar not have that sort of knowledge?"

"I am more that privilege to that, wizard, what was your name?"

Biff looked uncorfortable. He had spent a lot of time trying to forget his old self, not that he had had more luck as Biff. "My name, before the Valar I guess you'd say blessed me, was Alatar."

The elf's jaw almost dropped, as it was he was dumbstruck. Alatar, the missing Istari, He, Varicose, had found one of the _Ithryn Luin_. That was a new title to add to his name.

__________________________________________

Eleventy-seven hundred points to the people who catch all the puns so far.

3 more if you can name all the things I've paid homage to. (AHH ending preposition! That is something up with it I will not put.) Diolch and da boch chi!


	3. Springtime for Sauron and Saruman

That thing I have to put because someone forgot to read the name of this site and realize that fan fiction writers own nothing. Not even a real life: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.

Author's notes: Warning, Incorrigible Punster, Do Not Incorrige. 

````````````````````````````````````````

            The Wizard Biff shifted his weight while he waited for Delphine and Varicose to get over the news. Also he'd been sober for too long, _well, it seems like minutes now. I do wish one of them would faint or something, I thought they had recognized me for what I was. Why such drama just because they're right? _Then Biff remember that these were people from the West and, what he remembered of those folks, was heavy in dramatics but so light in the head he always wondered how they had stayed on the ground. He decided to break the 4th trimester pause, "Are we through yet? I had a perfectly good bottle of bourbon waiting for me in there, so if there's nothing more than my identity to talk about, I'll go back to nursing the poor dab."

            Delphine recovered, "Yes, but how will you pay?"

            Biff grinned, "Well, unless another western front of gold pulls in I'm back to giving orc and balrog charms."

            "What if I told you that I had a job that would bring your name such glory, only Gandalf the white would outshine your name. Your simple deed with us could make you THE wizard of the east."

            "I'd saw you have no idea what truly interests a wizard. As it happens we are not total glory hounds and we've been around long enough to see that glorious deeds lead only to glorious funerals. You really don't know your wizards, do you? Listen, I don't know who this 'Gandalf the white' character is but the graybeard I know would circumnavigate entire mountain chains no matter what 'glory' could be found within if it meant avoiding death for another day."

            "But-but listen to Delphine! This job could make you a legend!" Varicose suddenly sprang to life.

            Biff simply indicated his blue robes, "Been there, done that, or do you remember blanking out at my mere name?" Varicose turned many colors; Biff thought it reminded him of a few fruity drinks that had come up one morning.

            "Please, sir wizard, we need your help," Delphine looked at him, and the look was almost enough to stop all complaint. In most cases Biff would have dropped everything and gone ahead with whatever she wanted and just hope for proper recompense. However, Biff had spent many a blue night with such hopes. Plus when you are trying to win over a lady dressed in leather, soft spots aren't worth much. Still, she did look rather sweet. He sighed.

            "What's the job?"

~@~

            Varicose liked this wizard fellow less and less with every second. If it wasn't enough that Biff was trying to steal **his**, Varicose's lady love, oh no. He was not even being a proper wizard. All that spouted nonsense about how wizard's shunned glory. Please. Sauron had wanted glory and power beyond all sanity, of course now he was nothing more than a beggar on the roadside somewhere, but Varicose would bet his favorite axe that he still dreamed of thwarted glory. And Gandalf, well, perhaps now he was beyond such things (going off on that ship and all), but Varicose was dead sure that Gandalf had achieved more glory than almost anyone in Middle Earth. Varicose wished he had his axe. Or a sharp stone. Or a stick. Hell, even a stout butter knife, at this point, anything to put a dent in the man's head would have done. Really, for an elf, Varicose was just too bloody. That was the reason he was on this little expedition, to get him a little more sedate. _Well, he thought as he looked at Delphine's lovely shape as she threw herself into the wizard's path., _one reason.__

            "Wizard Biff, we have been charged by some people to go out and despense of a small problem."

            "What she means is that we have tried many times to overcome this thing and it can't be beat." Varicose interrupted.

            "You awful elf! Listen, if a bumbling, third rate hobbit can kill one, so can we!"

            "Delphine, Bilbo had luck, fate, and dwarves on his side. Oh yeah! And an EVIL RING OF INVISIBILITY that had a real good sense of self preservation!! We don't need this fool, let's just find a new quest, we can go hunt for the other _Ithryn Luin,perhaps he has a more useful power than an immortal liver."_

            "You are forgetting one thing that Biblo had."

            "What, a magic sword. Sorry, guess it slipped my mind."

            "No, Varicose, a wizard. We need this man..hey, were did he go?" Yes, that's right. Like most people, Biff had taken the opportunity to leave. It is well known that wizards have a good sense of self preservation and being bored to death was one fate Biff was anxious to avoid.

~~~~~~~~

Ehhh, not as good. Next chapter will be better.

Diolch and da boch chi!


	4. A walkingalongthebeachwhileyou'reslittli...

You know what it is: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them. 

Author's notes: So many people have read this story, thanks! I'd like to thank especially Christine for spending the time to sign in and correct my Tolkien-ese.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

            "Damn," Delphine ran off.

"Delphine, where are we going?"

"Where else would a drunken wizard be?" She yelled back as she raced into Y Llychlyd Tafarn. There she found her hopes for the mission flat on his back surrounded by bottles of varying sizes. The barkeep handed her an extensive list and grimly she forked over more gold. She was about to sit down and wait for his mental return when her eyes gleamed. "Varicose, go back to the campsite, quickly, and bring a rope, and my horse." She had come this far and one thing to be said for Delphine (Rohan's Cutest Maiden Protector,  ten years running) and that's that she always got her man. Wizard. Whichever.

~@~  

It was several hours later that Biff awoke, for the second time that day. Somehow he knew something was wrong, yet it was so familiar. It was black, yet he was almost certain his eyes were open. He tried to move his hands to his face and found that he couldn't. _Ok, assess. I can't see and I can't move. One of two things is possible, I'm either dead, in a tiny box 6 feet under the Earth and someone forgot to tell me that I can leave, or someone thought it was good idea to try and tie-up a wizard._ Biff started to call a small amount of power to his hands, just enough. Soon the ropes around him were sizzling and smoking.

"Lady!" a gruff voice shouted a warning and soon the wizard was a soaking mess.

"Delphine, bring the sodden sot here!" a familiar voice called. The bundle of Biff was roughly passed from Delphine to Varicose, held the package as another person started trying to start a fire. Varicose dumped the wizard wrap to "help" but got more enjoyment out of the startled "Oof!" than any mentally healthy person should.  Biff pulled Delphine's cloak from his head.

"Don't bother," he told the two standing by a load of wood. Already angry, and not caring if he burned something this time (especially since a blistered Vain was much more appealing than scorched shield maid) Biff easily called fire to his robes and dried them quickly, he then sent the heat into the very heart of the logs, sending them blazing in a matter of seconds. Then he calmly turned to a now dismounted Delphine, looked her square in the eye and asked, quite sanely, "WHAT THE HELL!?!?!"

            Biff had to hand it to her, she didn't look or sound ashamed, she calmly looked him straight in the eye and said simply, "We need you."

            Biff sighed and took a seat by the fire. "Fine, but before you give me some lengthy tirade about whatever the hell you're fighting and start talking about people I don't know in situations I don't care about, will you answer me one thing?"

            "Seems a reasonable request." 

            "Who the hell is that?" Biff asked pointing to a small stump that, upon closer inspection, proved to be a dwarf.

            "The name is Bristol, sir wizard." The bearded on said.

            "Glad to know you, call me Biff. What brings you away from your clan, caves and trade."

            "Well, it's become a bit of tradition in my clan to go out and adventure a bit, problem is there isn't much adventure someone in my clan hasn't done."

            "So you're going to go out and adventure things that have never been adventured before?"

            "Nah. I thought about, but I said to myself, 'Bristol, you need to scale it down a bit.' Then I decided that instead I'd emulate one of the more profitable adventures. So when I heard these two were off, I, uh, volunteered to help."

            "You lying little troll; you followed us, hoping to take what we earned." Varicose sneered.

            "Nothing but a bit of benevolent burglary, you elves are much too moral and high and mighty to need all that gold. I was just skipping the middle man, giving it straight to the needy."

            "Bristol, I think I like you. Please, you explain what daft adventure this trio is on so I can laugh in Varicose's face, give Delphine a proper goodbye and make like a nose and run."

            "You haven't told him yet? I thought you said you just passed out when you told him." Bristol said accusingly to the elf.

            "You didn't need to know, dwarf; just tell him so he can leave already." Varicose had taken out a rather large axe and was sharpening it, trying to look as menacing as possible.

            "Bother elves. It's very simple Biff. We heard about a rather large dragon that was bothering some village out here. They have offered a goodly sum to the fellow with the mettle to kill the thing plus have said that him that kills it gets the goods."

            "What, a lifetime supply of dragon's liver?" Biff turned to Varicose and Delphine, "You two really have no idea what a wizard wants, do you? Glory honor and dragon's parts? No thank you. Now, Delphine, come kiss me good bye and I'll be off."

            Delphine's eyes flashed, she approached Biff and gave him her best left hook. For the third time that day Biff found himself encased in darkness. Bristol propped the wizard up on a fallen log and wadded up Delphine's still wet cloak to put on Biff's head.

            Varicose bent over the wizard, "It served him right. Really, trying such a cheap trick on Delphine. Trust me, it's a lot harder than that" he said, his hand moved to touch his own eye, remembering his first time trying to grab the attentions of the girl. _And the second,_ he thought as his hand moved to the other eye, _and the third, _he started tearing as his hand went to his nose, _the fourth, in her father's castle. _His hand went to his shoulder, _I told her without her I might throw myself off the battlements of despair. She told me that she'd save me the trouble and threw me off the battlements. If you don't hurt you don't love, my dear Delphine. For you, I am a masochist. _He let silent tears fall, though whether Vain was leaking from nostalgia or the axe blade cutting into his thumb was for only him to know.

            "Well, Biff, no matter what else, I'll give you this, it was a good try." Bristol told the oblivious magician. 

~@~~@~@~@~@~@~@~@

Diolch and da boch chi!


	5. TellyTaley Heart

ff.net isn't fond of being sued so: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, fastest filker and true pun pundit (tomsmithonline.com for details). Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.

Author's notes: Poor Eddie Izzard, up against a legend and lost and then his play lost because, apparently, it was a G.L.A.D. convention at the Tony's this year. But, as my oh-so P.C. friend pointed out, isn't every year?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

            Biff was out for most of the night. Delphine, being the girl she was, used the opportunity to get the team that much closer to the town without having an amorous, forward and slightly pissed off wizard lucid. Of course this time she left the toting to Bristol. Delphine may have been brave, daring, and dangerous, but not even Her Majesty's finest goes around juggling nitro-glycerin, because, let's face it, when your brave, daring and dangerous, you live longer with your wits not just about you, but cocooned to your body and then wrapped in several layers of cellophane, foil, bubble wrap and leather. But again, this has nothing to do with the tale, this is merely wit dressing.

            When they reached the town Varicose and Delphine left Bristol to find their lodgings while they sought out the town mayor. Bristol found a place easily enough, gladly stable-handed the horses over and tool the baggage, including his Biff bag, and ordered a large bottle of bourbon to celebrate the return of Biff's consciousness. It had to come back sooner or later.

~@~

            "I can't believe that prig," Varicose yelled as he followed Delphine out into the streets. "Imagine, taking a third of our fee just because his someone was attacked before we could kill the dragon."

            "Varicose, it was his only daughter, and we had promised to take care of the dragon soon. Our line was 'we shall take care of it before one more life is lost to the terror' and I do believe YOU were the one to make such a promise. We should have stuck to my plan." Delphine was, and there were very few other words for it, furious.

            "What, just gone in, killed it and asked for the reward after? Come off it Delphine, half the fee you get pays for the dramatics. If we hadn't given them a show they would have only given us a paltry sum, or worse, they would have wanted us pro bono."

            "Or lavished us in thanks. Instead **YOU** had to set a price and now it's even less." Delphine quickened her pace in a huff. 

            "At least we have the horde, of course now we're going to have to split that into fourths." Varicose spit, "Delphine, dear, really, couldn't we?"

            "No, Varicose, don't you dare start!" Delphine whipped around. "You, for all your prejudice, let the dwarf come along. 'Manual labor' you said. 'Proof of our deeds' you begged. 'Besides, dwarfs can't count too high with their boots on. We'll just give him some bits of shiny.' And what did we get?  Huh? A greedy little ankle biter." Varicose opened his mouth to protest, but Delphine silenced him. "Oh, I'll admit he has come in handy. He has kept countless enemies off our tail, has pulled more than his considerable weight, but do you see, Varicose." Varicose started to retreat, but Delphine kept right on coming. "This is supposed to be my quest, my great deed, my fame and fortune, and yet you let the dwarf come along, you set the price to the mayor, you came up with the bright ideas of shooting at the dragon from afar."

"I forgot about impervious hides."

"And for trying to poison it."

"Who knew that dragon's fire burned out poisons?"

"And for losing one of my favorite swords."

"It worked on Smog!"

"Varicose! From the beginning it has been you, you, you. Well, you failed." Delphine turned back around, and started walking to the inn. "I've made a call. I want this wizard, he can win it, if it means a fourth of the treasure gone, fine. One quarter of a horde is more gold than anyone can spend in a lifetime, now come on. We need a plan before your dramatics cost us any more."

Varicose was speechless. _My love, my poor, sweet, love so in denial.  I have done my best to keep you safe. Yet still you deny it. Oh, Delphine, you will be mine whether you like it or not. _Varicose thought. If gold was a great concern then fine, Varicose would be happy to see to it that Delphine got her fair share; he would give his up for her. He could see it now. The dwarf and wizard would selfishly take their gold and run but he, Varicose, would selflessly give his to the lady. He would sweep her off her feet with his gallantry_. _Yes, she would be so struck her hard exterior would melt and she would be in his waiting arms. It would be perfect. She would finally be the girl he was sure she wanted to be while she was being someone who hated him. And, surely all girls liked to feel worthy; he would make her feel like the princess she was supposed to be.  _Little will she know, my payoff will be the greatest. _While he was lost in this scheme and visions of leather turning to satin Delphine had found the inn and was entering. "Delphine, dearest, wait for me!" He whined and hurried his step.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Diolch and da boch chi!__


	6. Incontinent Moon

ff.net sucks. I couldn't load my story for days, still they give me distractions and an outlet, so I'll cover them: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, fastest filker and true pundit (tomsmithonline.com for details). Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

            As Bristol had thought, Biff was soon awake and more than a little angry, but with the help of a well stocked bar downstairs, he was soon a little less angry and a little more pissed. It's amazing how much a dwarf and a wizard have in common after a little drinking. He learned early on in his drinking career that there was a distinct difference between drunks and social drinkers. Social drinkers had real people to talk to, and ranting to the wall, chair, mirror, glass, bartender, and pink oliphaunts, while entertaining to all, was reserved for drunks. He found social drinking equally intoxicating, and twice as entertaining. He told Bristol so.

            "Well, thank you Wizard, though I doubt I'm half as much fun as pink oliphaunts, even with their weird fears of Halflings," Bristol laughed.

            Biff had to grin, "Ah, you've met them too. Well, I'd have to say your company is welcomed far more than most."

            "But not as welcome as some company, unless I miss my guess."

            Biff sobered, as much as was possible, and sighed. "I guess I don't hide it well, huh?"

            "No boy, but I bet you haven't had much practice," Bristol said, draining his cup. Biff snorted his agreement. "Look, for all I know you're eons older then me, but Biff, I like you, and I want you to know, well, I think you can do better."

            Biff almost choked on his drink, "What? Who are you, the father? Are you going to ask my intentions? Look, Bristol, I am older than you will ever know, and one thing you learn, you enjoy people while you have them. Do I love Delphine? I don't know. I think she's gorgeous, smart, and I'm incredibly attracted. As my bruised head can attest, she can take care of herself, which, oddly enough, attracts me more, but I'm not going to pledge my never ending love to her." Bristol gave him a **look. "Well, not today." The **look** continued. "Well, not sober."**

            "Now how would you remember what sober felt like?" Bristol roared. Biff just grinned and refilled both their glasses. "Well I'm glad to hear it, I was afraid you were going to be like that elf; a dog following the tail."

            Biff almost spit his drink out, "No, no. I assure you, my presence here is entirely not of my doing." He frowned at the sentence structure, "At least, I think that's right."

            "I'm not so sure," the doubtful Bristol started to mentally diagram.

            "Have another drink, it will sound better," Biff assured him. Bristol took his advice and found it to be completely true. "Anyway, Bristol my friend, I'm here because of the machinations of an elf and a beautiful piece of leather with a girl in it. You?"

            "Same old, same old. Came for the glory, stayed for the gold."

            "So how much gold is in this venture, I mean, no offense to the decorator, but this place isn't exactly swimming in gold. How could they have a fee worth putting up with the fighting, the bloodshed, and the strange screams in the woods? And then there are those things that aren't Varicose."

            "Don't you get it wizard, I'm not here for the fee; I'm here for the spoils. The deal is fair share of the horde and possession of the mountain."

            "Really. Varicose. An elf. Long time hater of dwarves, preserver of nature, perverser of, well, everything. He agreed to let you do this?"  
            "More than that, he convinced the girl to let me come legitimately, rather than trailing them."

            "Well, will wonders ever cease? I'd seem plenty of crazy elves, just never thought I'd see a demented one. Well, my friend, I hope you weren't counting on such a great share, because it's about to get a little smaller."

~@~

            Eventually Varicose the Vain caught up with Delphine the Fed-up and they went to the common room to find Biff the Pissed.

            "Wizard Biff, I see you are awake," Varicose sneered at the glass in his hand "and you have your appetite back I see. Please, don't let us interrupt; continue to drink your lunch."

            "Why thank you, Sir Elf. Did you sleep well last night? I'd offer you a drink, but I'm sure your wrists are too sore to pick up the glass" Biff shot back with feigned sympathy.

            "And just what the hell is that supposed to mean, wizard?" Varicose asked his patience not so much thin, as anorexic.

            "Forget it, Jerk. Off subject." Bristol spit his drink out. "Anyway, since I've gotten this far I've decided to help you, you obviously need it."

            "Good." Delphine ordered herself a drink and sat down, tankard in hand, and gave a map to Biff. "We need a plan." She took a long pull, "Varicose, sit." She ordered.

            "To start does anyone have any good plans?" Biff looked around the table.

            "Well, we know what doesn't work: poison, thrown blades, nor bows and arrows. Either together or separately" Bristol said, looking at Varicose.

            "Really," Biff looked at Varicose. "My goodness, Varicose, didn't we try tying someone tied to a stake? No? I would have thought you were the master of baiting." That was it for Bristol, even Delphine let out a snort at that one. Varicose, on the other hand, was less than thrilled. He started to reach for his hand ax, and action which stopped all laughter from the two seasoned warriors at the table, before the ax blade had cleared its' case Varicose found him facing two long blades and a proper dwarvian ax.

            "All right, that is certainly enough, now lets all put away our sharpened objects," Delphine said with deadly calm, "That includes wit, Biff," she added in answer to Varicose's raised chin and toddler eyes. "Now, seriously, we need to plan this thing. I have an idea, but it all depends on our magician friend here."

            "Fine, I'll do what I can, but I want it clear that I expect full compensation from this endeavor." Biff said, with a voice of steel and an eye even heavier. "No, not her, you moron," Biff said as Delphine stiffened and Varicose, once again, went for his ax. "I want my fair share." For reasons unknown to the rest of them-but fully understood by those privy to the thoughts of an elf-this statement caused Varicose to relax completely. 

            _It worked!_ Varicose thought to all the voices in his head, and himself as an after-thought. And it had, there was a look that passed over Delphine's face so fast it would have been check for steroids. The look was of nothing else but pure disappointment. The elf was not the only one who caught the look, proving irrefutably that the eye is quicker than the look.

            _Dissappointment?_ Biff thought as he glimpsed at Delphine's reaction. _ Is that to the loss of gold or me? _ For the merest moment Biff thought of giving up the mission and sweeping Delphine away, _Varicose can give her that, and besides, what am I? Him? No, I won't prove __Bristol__ right._

            _Oh, goodness._ Delphine thought as images of Biff went through her head. Most of these images would not have held up the maiden image for very long and a few of them would have required a very, let's say evocative, writer to describe. She suddenly thought of none of those scenarios coming true and a look of disappointment crossed her face. _Wait a tick, what the hell am I? What the bloody Vain wants?_ She shook the visions off. _I hate when estrogen hits out of no where._

            Bristol sat at the table that had suddenly become very silent and looked at his glassy-eyed comrades. Bristol just gave a sigh and signaled for the barkeep to send over another round. He wasn't really quite sure what had happened, but he was sure that sooner or later they would come out of it and business would commence. If there was one thing about Bristol it was that he was optimistic about lucidity.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I love 'lucid'.

Diolch and da boch chi!


	7. Let's Carl the whole thing Orff

If anything really belonged to me I would offically lose the title "college student": I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, fastest filker and true pundit (tomsmithonline.com for details). Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "So we're agreed?" Delphine said darkly. 

            "Agreed," Biff gave a curt nod.

            "Not totally," the elf started.

            "Oh what is it Varicose? Too costly?" Delphine asked.

            "No, nothing like that. It's just that, well." Varicose looked around with apprehension. "It's just I'm not to fond of beef."

            "Fine" said Bristol, "You can have the fish and I'll take the steak."

            Look, somebody had better take these cause last time I looked I wasn't a table," a burly, bearded behemoth roughly shoved the two surf and turf specials, along with extra plates, at the team. "Damn cheapskates. Bet tipping is as foreign a concept as soap" the large man muttered as he made his way back to the kitchen.

              "I thought trolls were native to the west?" Biff said, but no one noticed. If it had been in his nature, Biff might have felt sad. But a warm, non-liquid meal was something Biff had missed. Of course the plate was accompanied by a glass, and then there was the pre-meal planning drink and a requisite post-chomp bottle (not to mention a nightcap) but all in all Biff was finding less and less to say to the bottom of the cup. Plus the view over the rim was nicer than a warm glass of old brandy. _It's like I have feelings and friends and all those nice human intangibles. _Biff thought as chewed. _Crazy.__ It's like all the crap I used to preach about._ It wasn't something that Biff was proud of or advertised too much, but at one point in his life, somewhere between Biff and Alatar there had been Brother Bitar. _That's right, Brother Bitar, that was my alliteration stage._ Besides being a prime period for delicious dialogue devices, it was the age of enlightenment. In his quest for an identity, Biff had joined a small cult, one that believed that each man was entitled to his own religion. Literally. The Brothers of Build-A-Sect spend there time trying to create the deity they wanted to believe in. This led to a lot of the Brothers being confined to padded rooms for "smitings" because what inevitable would happen is the man would try to model the deity after the best man they could think of, which was, 9 times out of 9 (it was a small cult), himself. Brother Bitar had been no different, expect that in the process of making a god he found his true self, Biff, which is really a rather touching story, but isn't what this one is about.

            Soon whatever could be masticated had been and there was no more avoiding it, it was time for dragon planning. Delphine was quite anxious to find out if all her searching had been worth it. "All right before we start, Biff, tell us all you know about dragons."

            "Dragons? Well, they live in mountains, they seem to like to gather large amounts of shiny objects. They tend to be, as I understand it, quite on the large side with a pyromaniac streak the scares even ten year olds."

            "Yes, and?" Delphine asked hungrily.

            "And...what? That about describes a dragon." Biff started to get a little scared.

            "What about weaknesses? What about strategic details?" Delphine couldn't believe the smirk on Varicose's face. He was loving this. Delphine tried to calm down.

            "I hear they're also reptilies." Biff added pitifully.

            She failed.

            "You mean there's nothing, NOTHING you can us? An amulet, a spell, an anecdote, ANYTHING?"

            "Well…there was this joke about a two headed dragon, but I'm thinking that's not what your looking for." Delphine flashed daggers at Biff. She was preparing to exchange the metaphorical for the physical when someone started laughing. Annoyingly.

            "What did I say?" Varicose roared, "'they're reptiles' Oh please, no more. I can't take anymore. Oh Delphine. Delphine? Delphine!!!" Delphine had dropped the daggers and had her hands around an alabaster neck that was holding up a head that was rapidly turning blue. The color gave Bristol an idea.

            "M'lady. Ma'am. Lass, get your hands off him, I think he's enjoying it." The dwarf pulled the lady in black off the blue boy.

            "Aww, Bristol, why'd you have to do that?" Biff whined, only half jokingly.

            "Because, something you said. You said dragons were reptiles, right?"

            "Right," said Biff, not seeing the point.

            "Right," said Delphine, disdain burning in the word and making it smell like brimstone and taste like mom's meat loaf.

            "Right," giggled and gasped the elf. 

            "Well that's it then!" Bristol said, looking inordinately proud of himself.

            "What is?" asked Biff.

            "What is? asked Delphine, suddenly curiosity incarnate.

            "Well, Biff, boy you called fires readily enough, can you do the opposite? Could you call cold?"

            "Easily" said Biff, being as thick as mud and so unable to see the point.

            "Well then!" Bristol leaned back and looked completely satisfied with himself.

            "Bristol, I swear, if you don't form a complete a sentence soon I'll throw something at you, and wizards can throw some wyrd things."

            Delphine looked like she could have kissed Bristol, "I get it. Reptiles go torpid in extreme cold, so if Biff can make the dragon cold enough..."

            "We can walk right in and kill the thing without having to deal with all the carnage that comes with a living dragon." Bristol finished for Biff's benefit.

            "Oh. That's really a great plan, Bristol," The wizard said, a bit dazed.

            "You needn't sound so surprised, wizard. Dumb dwarves don't last long in the forges, incompetence and molten metal just don't mix," Bristol returned, sounding a bit hurt.

            "No, no, oh Bristol I'm sorry, it's just a great plan. One thing, how are you going to kill him?"

            "Well, wizard, assuming you deliver," Varicose sneered, "I can.."          Delphine silenced him with a look that could have withered cacti.

"I believe I can cover that.  I've got an idea, it's pretty simple, but it should work."

~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Da boch chi!


	8. A little bit of Jar Jar, braised in wine

College life is stressful enough without hating me so: No I don't own characters or the basic plot, that honor goes to Tom Smith, pun-dit and fastest filker for details). Nor do I own the realm of fantasy in which I have set his work; that belongs to the wonderful Mr. Tolkien. Dickerson's Dorsais (Dorsaies? Dorsi?) belong to anyone with the money to pay them.

AN: sorry, life gets in the way of fun. It's been a long time (baby) but here it is. I should be wrapping up soon.

* * *

"The four marched through the muck and mire

The forest, it loomed o'er

Before them was a goal, a quest

The like ne'er seen before.

A maiden led the (ahem) noble crew

On horse as black as her.

She was followed by child of fen and star

Whose lust no one could deter.

In contrast to her ebony, a man there walked beside..."

"Bristol, could you stuff it?" Biff interrupted.

"What? I'm immortalizing us in song." Bristol returned.

"Well, I need to concentrate, and I can't do it with you bellowing." Biff snapped.

"Sounds like someone needs some happy juice," Bristol observed, handing Biff a flask with his free hand.

"Bristol how is it possible you have a free hand?" Biff asked after he had taken a LONG pull from the flask. He was curious, the dwarf was hauling, not only the bulk of the packs, but also a good share of the supplies and their most recent acquisition: lengths of sharp wire. But he also wanted to hold the gin as long as possible. The ploy failed, Biff realized, as the flask was whisked away. Bristol took a sip and fixed the vial to his hip again.

What, this metal? Boyo, I'm a dwarf. We spend all our time playing with metal. We're this shape for a reason. A couple lengths of wire are hardly noticed, now my turn, what's with the white seersucker?"

"What?" Biff asked.

"And the bowtie? And that hat?"

"Bristol, I'll have you know this outfit is imbued with special spells to ward off dragon's flame."

"Really" Bristol sounded understandably doubtful.

"You doubt the word of a wizard when it comes to magic?"

"Sorry, no, I guess that's fine. But what's with the bell? Magic sound to scare the beast? A special charm that calls your demons?" Bristol shot back with sarcasm to drown a fish.

"First of all Bristol, so many questions deserve liquid payment," Bristol snorted and handed the flask back. He waited as Biff enjoyed it, noisily.

"Well?" Bristol said impatiently. Biff held up a hand as he finished it.

"You guessed correctly, this bell has very special powers. Let me ask you, do you see the structure of Vain's ears?" Biff said after he handed the now empty flask back to the dwarf.

"Aye."

"Well, his race has those ears to hear things very well, if it weren't for the volume of his ego, he could probably hear everything we say."

"What has that to do with the bell?"

I just like having something to annoy Varicose with."

"Ah, well that's worth a flash of gin any day," Bristol laughed.

"You'd make a lousy tavern master," Biff said wryly giving his bell the tiniest of shakes.

"What was that, who goes there," Varicose leapt off his horse, bow drawn and circling. "Come out vile fiend!" He demanded and in response a small rodent came in front of him and wriggled its nose. Bristol and Biff erupted in laughter.

"Like I said, worth a flask of gin, any day," Bristol laughed, shifting the wire to a more comfortable position.

Varicose seethed as he remounted his horse. Imagine those peons. Laughing at him. Him! _Why, I should take my axe and form a proper lure for that dragon._ He looked to Delphine, beauty always calmed him and, at the moment, he lacked a mirror. She was smiling! Not the smile of a person achieving their goal, not the smile of victory within tasting range. Not even the smile of a woman who just realized her true feelings about a devastatingly handsome man, er, elf. No, this was a smile holding back a laugh for all it was worth. But, as everyone knows, smiles are wimps and the laugh escaped in a snort-cough-hiccup which sounded, interestingly enough, exactly like the mating call of a tiny mite that lives on dragon scales. Varicose's ire rose even more, for those playing the home game, that made Varicose's ire almost as high as his view of himself. He glared, sullenly. Delphine, barely noticed. That was odd. _She always reacts to sulleness._ He redoubled his efforts, with a look that would make angsty teens and pouty two-year-olds everywhere green with envy. Still nothing. He cleared his throat. Not an eye blink. "Delphine," he whined. Finally, a reaction.

"What is it Varicose, do you hear another mouse?" she snort-cough-hiccupped.

"No it's just....uh...well we're about half-way to the cave and I thought maybe" He tried to think of something, something intelligent, something martial, something that put Biff in place of significant owies. "We should dismount and send the wizard ahead," Varicose said quickly with one of those smirks. "We don't want to wake the dragon with all this noise; we'll lose the element of surprise."

Delphine nodded, "Good thinking. Biff and I will go ahead while you and Bristol tie the horses up and get the wire straightened out." Delphine jumped off her horse and grabbed her various lethal accoutrements and started off, further down the trail. That was NOT what Varicose had intended at all, and he was about to protest when he not so mush heard as felt a rumbling. An ominous rumbling, no one wanted to look. They just stood; staring at each other is disbelief. "Varicose" Delphine gulped, "Look,"

I don't want to" Varicose was almost shaking.

"Damn you Vain, LOOK, you've got the eyes!" Delphine ordered. Varicose took a breath and turned toward the mountains.

"What do you see?" Delphine asked, her voice shaking with control.

"It's the dragon" Varicose confirmed for the clueless. "The thud was it landing, it looks angry"

"Angry? How can a dragon look anything but angry?!? It's what they do! Come one folks, we've got to get out of here" Biff said trying to get everyone to shake-off the scardies.

"Biffs right" Bristol said, taking a deep breath and, with the look of one condemned,ran into the deep woods. Biff hurried the horses in the opposite direction as Delphine started to lead shock still Varicose further into the woods.

* * *

Dum-dum-DAA! I'm ba-ack! Like I said, for the conclusion soon. I hope.

Da boch chi!


End file.
